Grief at Christmas

We tend to think of Christmas as the happiest time of the year!  I hope that it is the happiest season for you!  Unfortunately, I also know what it feels like to experience deep grief at Christmas time.  Somehow the joy you see everywhere can seem to highlight even more the pain you find yourself in.  It is hard.  I am not here to give you a simple tidy solution.  But to say, I understand.  I have been there.  You will get through this!  And if you feel stuck, here are a few things that helped me on my grief journey.

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My Story:

If you have been following my blog for you may know parts of my story.  I tell you this story so you know that I don’t say any of this from an ivory tower.  My heart hurts for any of you who read this and find yourself in the middle of a season of grief.

My story starts with our struggle to have our fourth child.  We had two miscarriages earlier in our marriage, but I thought we had figured some issues out as we were able to have our second and third children without any issues.  But unfortunately, we were shocked when at an 8 week ultrasound we found out our baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heart beat. 

This was followed by a year of trying to get pregnant.  Almost exactly a year after our third miscarriage, we found out we were pregnant again.  Everything seemed great with this pregnancy at first, but then there started to be some signs that things may not be healthy.  It was a period of a lot of ups and downs.  We would get good news and then bad news, but eventually the bad news won out and we lost this baby too. 

During this time we had several bittersweet Christmas seasons.  Of course, I was so thankful for the children I had to celebrate with, but there were still a lot of grief and emotions to work through from the losses that had occurred. 

But our most difficult holiday season was the next Christmas.  In November, we found out I was pregnant again.  I specifically remember driving in the cold and feeling like everything was exactly as I had prayed.  The pregnancy seemed to start off strong.  We told my family at Thanksgiving.  And as you do when you are pregnant, I started dreaming of future holidays as a family of 6.  Unfortunately, at the beginning of December, I miscarried for the fifth time. 

It was such a painful Christmas.  We had tried to find answers medically but nothing had appeared to be wrong.  I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t fulfill this desire in my heart.  We had a nice Christmas with my parents though.  It was good for my heart to see the joy in my kids eyes.  And yet my heart was definitely still wrestling with the losses we had walked through. 

Then days after Christmas on December 28th I got a call from my sister that my dad had collapsed.  My mom had done CPR and they had called 911.  She said it didn’t look good.  As I ran around the house backing things quickly to head to Columbus and hopefully see my dad in the hospital, I got a call from my mom.  My dad had died. 

I didn’t even cry in that moment because I was in so much shock.  We had just seen him a few days ago.  He took a walk around the neighborhood that day.  Everything seemed fine.  How could this be true.  Needless to say, that Christmas and the next year felt so heavy and painful.

Holiday Feelings

This Christmas will be three years since we walked through all of that pain.  I can talk about that chapter of our life without crying.  I can see how God remained faithful in the pain.  But it has been THREE YEARS!!!  I think one of the misconceptions I have run into in the Christian world is that because we have a relationship with Jesus we automatically are strong and unmoved by the pain of this world.  In my opinion, this has caused many people to deny their feelings and bury their pain.

I think the Lord allowed me to go through so much in a short period of time so that I just couldn’t possibly pretend I wasn’t hurt by the events that had unfolded.  But in acknowledging all my hurt and questions and fears I was able to find a new freedom.  If you are in the middle of grief this holiday season, I encourage you to be honest with yourself about how you really feel.  God wants to hear how you really feel not what you think you should feel!      

One of the things that helped me process and acknowledge my feelings was a lot of journaling!  I wrote out my honest answers to the questions, “what are my thoughts and questions about this pain?”  If I could ask God anything what would I honestly want to know?  I had to be honest about the questions that were roaming around in my mind.  This was all a process.  It didn’t happen overnight and I relied on friends and mentors to help me process these things. 

Standing on Truth and Love

After I was honest about the good, bad and ugly of my feelings, I was able to begin to examine them.  There is a sadness that will be present if someone you loved is gone.  There are still things three years later that can cause a wave of grief to come over me.  But there were other feelings and questions that were tangled up in my own doubts about myself.  Places were my feelings would get stuck. 

After a lot of time and work, I learned to stop and ask the question, What is really going on inside of me?  If I am just missing my dad or my babies then usually that is healthy and normal.  At the beginning those feelings are intense and almost constant.  I remember wondering when my dad’s death wouldn’t be the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I fell asleep.  I honestly believe that was completely normal.  As time moved on, the shock of his death gradually lessened and my mind began to accept the fact that he was gone.  But there were other times when something would trigger anger in me. 

With help I learned to stop and figure out what lie was being brought to the surface in me.  Sometimes with my miscarriages it might be the lie that I wasn’t a good enough mom to handle 4 kids, so God wasn’t going to give me another child.  It took a lot of work to unearth the fact that underneath all of this was the belief that I was earning God’s favor by being “good enough”. 

Learning to see that this lie was underneath a lot of my feelings and then fight this lie not only with the truth I have known in God’s word, but also with the love of God.  Asking God to help me feel his love and know that I was loved as I am and without any need to earn his favor was key for me. 

I don’t know what your lies are, but I honestly believe without getting to this layer I would still be struggling with these lies.  I encourage you to keep pushing to uncover what is underneath any fear, anger or anxiety you may be feeling.

Ask for Help

One of the biggest things I wish I had done earlier in my grief journey was to get help!  If you are walking through grief of any kind, please don’t wait to get help from a counselor.  Even if you feel like you are doing okay, talking to a counselor will only help your healing!  I did not go to a counselor until much later in my journey because I thought I knew what was true and could handle the situation on my own.  But the truth is that I needed someone outside of all my situations to talk with honestly and to help me see patterns in my thinking.  We all have had hard situations in our lives and I wish our society would normalize seeking help in all seasons of life!

More than anything, if you are walking through grief I hope you will know that you are loved.  I am truly sorry you are experiencing grief this Christmas.  Keep going.  It does get better.  It may take some work and some time, but God has a future for you and it is good.

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