Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  This is something I became painfully aware of about nine years ago when we experienced our first miscarriage.  Pregnancy and infant loss can feel like a trauma you are expected to carry on your own.  It can be a silent heartbreak with ripple effects.  This year as I think about this month, I am sharing my own story and also a few of the things that helped me as I grieved.  No two stories or experiences are the same, but my hope is that if you or someone you love ever finds themselves in this lonely place of loss, you will feel less alone. 

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My Story

My husband and I were so blessed to have our beautiful first born daughter nine months and two weeks after we got married!!  She was a total surprise, but such a joy!  When she was just a little over a year old, we found out we were pregnant again.  A few weeks after we found out we were expecting, I woke up to cramps and realized I was bleeding.  It was a fairly early miscarriage, but it was completely unexpected.  I remember feeling so confused that my grief was so deep for a baby I had never met. 

We continued to try to add to our family for the next year.  Nine months went by before we found out we were pregnant again.  But again, this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage.  I can still remember the exact place I was when I realized I was going to miscarry again.  I remember our yellow comforter as I crawled into bed and sobbed.  Through my tears I asked God why he would allow this to happen again.  So many questions filled my mind. 

Thankfully, I was able to get pregnant again and this time we had our beautiful second daughter.  My doctor had put me on progesterone at the beginning of my pregnancy and I thought we had solved our problem.  A little less than two years after our second child, we welcomed our first son.  I truly thought at this point that my miscarriage journey was over. 

I have always wanted a big family so when we found out we were pregnant again, I was so excited to complete our family.  Because of our miscarriage history we always had early blood work done and everything came back great!  Baby was growing!  We went in for our 8 week ultrasound and I was absolutely shocked when the ultrasound technician could not find a heartbeat.  My husband and I stood in the hallway outside our room and I tried to keep it together.  I remember realizing I was going to walk out into a room full over women with pregnant bellies and happy hearts, and I didn’t want to see it.  I thought this was done.  Why are we back at this place? 

We continued to try to add one more child to our family.  After another year of trying, we found out we were pregnant again.  From the beginning this pregnancy was up and down.  Our tests would show growth, but not exactly the growth they would be expecting.  After weeks of up and down, we began to miscarry this baby too.  So many people at this point in our lives questioned why we continued to try to have another baby.  All I can say is I just didn’t believe in my heart of hearts that our family was complete. 

At this point we had lots of tests run, but nothing came back with any answers.  We got pregnant one more time, but again we lost this baby in the first trimester.  Three weeks later my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly.  We decided to stop trying for another baby.  But God had other plans, and two weeks later we found out we were already pregnant.  I have no idea why this pregnancy was successful with the three before it were not.  We didn’t do anything differently.  I am forever thankful that God chose to bless us with our final son.  He is the hope we all needed and the constant reminder that there is hope in the midst of even the hardest of seasons.

Moving Forward

Even now years later, I can feel the tears come to my eyes as I write about that season of our life.  There was such deep pain and grief.  Again, every person is different, but I did find a few things that helped me move forward during the days and weeks after each miscarriage. 

I didn’t want to get stuck in the grief and just stay in bed for days at a time.  I also had other kids to care for too, so I didn’t have the luxury of just tending to myself.  But I also, knew it wouldn’t be healthy for me to shove all my feelings down and act like everything was fine.  So I began to have a rhythm of recovery.  I knew I didn’t feel like doing any of the things I knew I needed to, so after a few days of grace, I decided each week I would tackle one thing.  Usually, I started with my kids schedules.  I would get the screen time back in check and make sure they were doing chores etc.  The next week I might try to get the housework back on track.  The next week I might try to start working out again.  There was no magic to the order, but for me it was a gentle way to move forward while not expecting life to look and feel normal immediately. 

Another thing that helped me move forward that I wish I would have done much sooner was to see a counselor.  I can look back now and see the extraordinary pain I was trying to process.  In the moment, I thought I should be able to handle it myself!  I wish I would have realized the benefits of having someone help you process your grief and your questions.  If you are going through your own difficult journey, I highly encourage it!

We Remember

It has been four years since my fifth miscarriage.  The pain is no where near as intense as it was during that difficult season.  And yet, the tears in my eyes remind me that this will always be a part of me.  I have no idea why God chose to write my story this way.  I believe I have joy waiting for me in heaven when I will meet my sweet babies.  

Remembering and honoring the babies we lost in miscarriage was been a meaningful part of my journey.  I say all this knowing that if you haven’t experience miscarriage you may not get it.  That’s okay.  I truly hope you never do!  One of the hard parts of miscarriage is that you as a mom knew that life inside of you.  Your body changed.  You experienced that death physically.  You know how real that baby was.  And yet, no one else around you experienced any of it the way you did. 

I think that is one of the reason I had a deep desire to honor each of these babies.  The world may look at my family now and see four kids, but I know my motherhood journey is so much more than what you can see.  To honor each of our babies, we chose to name the five babies we lost.  Now, instead of saying the third baby I lost, I can say Charlie.  I was also given a necklace that has a charm for each of my children.  There are arrows for my four living children and angel wings for the five who are in heaven.  Having something that represented my whole family was so meaningful.  Most people have no idea what the charms are for when I wear it, but I know.  It is like a silent way of acknowledging that our family has a deeper story than you can see on the surface.  

Honoring these babies has helped me get to today when I can remember them with an ache instead of a sob.   When I can share my story with hope instead of questioning.  If you are going through your own miscarriage, I can’t say I know what your future holds.  I pray it is no more pain.  But I do know you are not alone.  Your pain is real and valid, but your story is not over.  Your life has goodness still to come.  If that feels to hard to believe right now, then I will carry that hope for you.  I believe the best is yet to come.  

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