Guys, this is a hard one today, but such an important topic to not stay silent on! This month, October, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and to honor all of the women who have grieved the loss of a baby, I wanted to share my story. Stick with me, as this blog post will be longer than my typical posts. My hope is that if you are walking through this, you will know you are not alone, and that hopefully, through God’s grace, you can find some hope along your journey.
Let’s start at the beginning first! I got married at 27, and 6 weeks into our marriage, we discovered we were 5 weeks pregnant! I was a little nervous because our plan was not be start a family so early, but also so excited that my dream of being a mom was going to come true! Nine month and 2 weeks after we were married, my hubby and I welcomed our little honeymoon baby. She was a tiny 6 pound girl we named Myah.
I loved being a mom! And when Myah was a little over a year, we decided to go ahead and try to have another baby. We were so excited to find out within a few months of trying that we were pregnant again! At this point, miscarriage wasn’t even on my radar! I had a healthy pregnancy the first time, and no one in my family had any history of miscarriage at all. I honestly didn’t even consider it! Unfortunately, I woke up one morning to find I was having a miscarriage. I was only 6 weeks, and physically it happened quickly, but emotionally I was devastated.
I remember feeling so silly for being so emotional when I really wasn’t that far along. I felt like I didn’t have a right to be so upset knowing some women miscarry much later. But as any woman who has experienced miscarriage can tell you, the moment you find out you are pregnant, you love that baby and dream of a life with that baby. Of course there is great grief in the loss of that little life. There were a lot of tears, and a lot of crying out to God, but with time things began to return to “normal”. We still wanted another baby, so we started trying again. Month one- not pregnant. Month two- not pregnant. Month three- not pregnant. Month four- not pregnant. Month five- not pregnant. Month six- not pregnant. Month seven- not pregnant. Month eight- PREGNANT!!!!!!!!
Those eight months were just as emotionally tough on me as the miscarriage had been. I completely acknowledge that 8 months is nothing compared to what many go through, but it was long enough for me to understand the roller coaster of emotions that accompanies the infertility struggle. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t understand what women who go through infertility experience at all before this point in my life. I struggled to trust in God’s plan and if I am honest continued to struggle against the lie from Satan that I wasn’t good enough for another child.
But, after months of trying, we got pregnant again on month 8! Again we were excited, but a little more guarded after our miscarriage experience. Since our previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage, our doctor wanted to run some tests right away to make sure the baby was growing properly. The next phone call from our doctor is one of the moments in life that will be forever etched in my heart and mind. Our doctor called me and said that our baby had again stopped growing, and we should expect to miscarry this baby soon. I remember hanging up the phone and just laying on my bed in complete shock. This couldn’t be happening again? How was this even real? Why would God do this to us? I was still teaching full time at that point, and I had a concert that night. I remember just going through the motions knowing that no one in that audience knew the real pain I was going through that night.
Thankfully, that is not the end of our story. Once we were able to try again, we got pregnant right away, and this time nine months later our beautiful rainbow baby, Noelle was born.
We were blessed when Noelle was a little over one to get pregnant and have a healthy baby boy, Hudson! We didn’t experience an issues with this pregnancy! In my head, I felt like our miscarriage days were behind us! The lessons God had for us during our previous struggle must be over! However, God had other plans for us!
We were in the process of deciding if we were going to try for another baby, when I got pregnant again! This would be the last one for us. We were excited to complete our family with this sweet baby. We went for our 8 week appointment, and as they were doing the ultrasound, they discovered our baby did not have a heartbeat. So once again we were walking through a miscarriage.
You would think having three miscarriages, the news wouldn’t shock me at this point, but it did. There is something about the finality of finding out the life that was once growing inside of you is gone, that is just shocking! This time physically was the hardest. It was a painful and long process that I would never wish on anyone. But emotionally and spiritually, I was much better prepared for the miscarriage journey this time.
I knew who I was in Christ and I was unwilling to let Satan’s lies convince me I was anything other than a beloved child of God. There was still very real pain, grief, and disappointment. But that pain was not amplified by my own doubts and unbelief and what a difference that made. In the days after our miscarriage happened, I sat down with my journal to write out a list of things I needed to remember as I walked through this process again. I have always found that writing things down and sharing them, strengthens my resolve to follow the Lord during difficult times. I want to share with you my list from my journal that day. If you are going through your own miscarriage journey, I hope they encourage you to trust and follow the Lord too!
– Satan will try to lie to you in the middle of your grief. Be ready for it. My first 2 miscarriage experiences were made so much harder because I struggled with the lies Satan was telling me. (This must be happening to me because I am not a good enough Mom, wife, etc. God would give me another baby if I was better.) DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE LIES!!!!!!!!! They come straight from the pit of Hell and they are designed to bring you to depression and dispair. JUST SAY NO to them!!
-You are loved! You are chosen by God! You are forgiven of every sin! If you have accepted God’s free gift of salvation, then you can never lose His love. He has chosen you to be his child and your sins have been removed from you forever. Cling to these truths when the lies start to creep in!
– I am going to say it again, THIS IS NOT A JUDGEMENT ON YOU!!! You are a good mom! No, you aren’t perfect, and neither am I. But God doesn’t reserve motherhood for the perfect.
-Run to God in the middle of your grief. Sometimes when the pain is deep, I want and avoid God. I know when I get before God, my emotions come out, and sometimes I just don’t want to cry anymore! The truth is though, no one can provide comfort the way the Lord can. Not your husband, not your mom, not your BFF. No one. Open up your Bible, find a quiet place and let God work in ways only He can. Find some verses to say when the lies come. Because they will come, but armed with His Word you can stand against them.
-It’s okay to cry. And you may cry for a long time. We are about a month away from what would have been my due date for our third miscarriage baby, and there are still certain things that pull at my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Tears aren’t weakness, they are love.
–Do not do this alone. I chose after my third miscarriage to post our news for everyone. The freedom I found in not having to feel like I was lying to people when they asked me how I was doing was so healing for me. I completely understand that is not for everyone, but I encourage you to talk to someone about it. Satan wants us to be isolated. He uses the darkness of isolation to grow his lies. Come into the light of community and give people a chance to love you in your heartache. Not everyone will get it. Some people will say stupid things, but don’t let that convince you this road should be walked alone.
– Cling to the truth that God’s ways are always good. Your circumstances will not feel good. Nothing about the situation will feel good. BUT we know that God is good. He cannot be anything but good. He has given us the free gift of salvation through Jesus, and He is working all things for your good even now. Sometimes I have to remind myself of the truth that I don’t deserve anything from God. He has already been more gracious to me than I could ever deserve. Even in the midst of your pain, God is still at work giving blessings and grace.
To end, I just want to reach across my computer and give you a hug. If you are walking through this, you are not alone. I am standing with you as are so many other mommas! I don’t know if another baby will be in my future or yours, but I do know that God is good and no matter what my circumstances may be, we can trust Him!
Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Photography Credit:
Myah newborn- Makarios Photography
Noelle newborn- Courtney Perkins Photography
Hudson newborn- Creative Exposures Photography
