Like most Christians, I like to think I trust God. I say I trust God. I sing about trusting God. I talk about trusting God. I trust God, right? Or do I?
This summer God really started to reveal some places in my heart (okay maybe a LOT of places in my heart) that struggle with trusting Him. You see, I, like many of you I bet, love to be in control. Not in a, I have to be the boss of everything way, but in a I want to know how this is going to turn out way. Sound familiar to anyone? Please tell me I am not alone in this!
Well, this summer I found myself in Arizona visiting my brother and his family, driving up a narrow winding mountain road in order to take a family day trip up Mount Lemon. This is not a short road, and as we had done it once before, I knew I was going to be stressed by this drive. Let me tell you why friends… I do not enjoy feeling like one wrong move from my husband is going to send us over the edge of the mountain to our deaths! I started the trip white knuckles grasping at the door handle. But as we started to climb up the mountain, I felt the Lord impress this question on my heart, “What are you so afraid of?” I sat there thinking as we drove. “I am afraid we are going over this flimsy guardrail and we are all going to die!!” Do I trust God in death though? Don’t I believe that we would be saved by God’s grace and go to heaven where none of this pesky stress I am feeling will be present. What’s so terrible about that? And then I heard His voice again saying, Chrystal, Do you really trust Me no matter what happens?
I made a decision right there to trust God on this trip up the mountain. If he really wanted to take us home to heaven, me holding onto the door handle and critiquing my husband’s driving really wasn’t going to change that, was it? As I began to make a choice to really trust and surrender to God as we drove up the mountain, my feelings of stress started to subside. Why worry, if I trust whatever way God leads us is the best? I felt a peace very different from my first experience up this mountain.
As I have pondered over those moments the last few months, I have realized that I have been white knuckling it through life in so many situations! As we drove up the mountain this summer, I grabbed onto the handle foolishly thinking it would offer me safety. The tighter I grasped, the more stress I felt inside. How often have I done the same kind of thing in life? With my family? With my finances? With the future? I have a plan in mind, and when my plan doesn’t seem to be working out, I hold on tighter to it. I come up with a system or another plan to make sure things stay on track because I know everything will be all right if God can just make sure everything works out according to my plan. .
But maybe God doesn’t want just all right. Maybe the detour from my plan will be exactly what God knows I need to turn all right into beautiful. How often have a settled for the safety of all right instead of the beautiful unknown with God? And so it comes back again…will I chose to trust God no matter what happens? Little by little the Lord is helping me grow in this. When the finances are stretched…will I trust God or my plan? When my child gets a bad report from school… will I trust God or my plan? When the child I think should be potty trained now makes another mess… will I trust God or my plan? It’s definitely still a work in progress in my heart, but I am thankful for the grace to take daily baby steps toward the Lord.
Oh Lord, walk with us each day. Show us how to love you more deeply and trust you more fully. And when I am tempted to grasp on to my plan, remind me that You ways are higher, deeper and better then mine.
