How I Stay Calm When I Want to Loose My Mind

I hated even writing that title, “How to Stay Calm.”  Because as soon as I publish this post, I am sure to be reminded by one of my four kids of how much I still have to grow in this area.  So let me say this clearly.  I am still a work in progress.  And I always will be.  I am not writing these tips because I have arrived.  I still fail at staying calm and have to go back and apologize.  BUT…I am growing and learning more strategies to stay calm in those moments.  The times I stay calm are increasing. And it is with that hope that I share with you what I have learned from many others!!

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Recognize My Primary Emotions:

First, let’s just agree that being a parent is hard.  Kids don’t want to do what they don’t want to do.  Add in a deadline, a spilled cup, or bad attitude, and everyone will eventually hit their emotional limit.  So lets get that out in the open first.  We ALL hit our limit of what we can handle naturally.  Every parent has felt overwhelmed.  Every parent has communicated to their children in ways they regret.  The more we try to hide that fact the less we can learn and grow past it.

One of the most helpful things I have learned in these situations is to recognize my primary emotions.  I actually didn’t know what primary emotions were until this last year!  A great counselor I saw and another podcast I listened to introduced me to this vocabulary.  Primary emotions are actually how your body senses and experiences an emotion before your brain even has time to name or label it.

For example, when I feel anxious, my body can feel tight, my stomach may churn, my jaw may feel clenched.  All of these physical reactions happen without me even realizing it!  I bet some of you are recognizing similarities with your own primary emotions too.  The power of primary emotions comes when I start to sense my body experiencing these feelings. 

For me I started to notice these feelings when I was trying to get my kids out the door to school in the morning.  It was such a busy chaotic time that I hadn’t really realized that I was feeling anxious about getting everyone out of the door on time and ready for school.  I don’t really feel like I am what you would describe as an anxious person, and yet my body cues were telling me that I was in fact anxious.  The more that anxious feeling went unchecked the more likely I was to become frustrated and grumpy with my family.  So being in tune with how my body is feeling helps me use an appropriate coping strategy before my emotion spills out in unhealthy ways!

Identify Harmful Ruts

The next step for me has been to identify harmful ruts in my thinking and emotions.  I had a wise counselor explain this idea to me.  He said that we all have sensitive pain areas in our lives.  These can come about in lots of different ways, but they often stem from childhood.  These ruts are thoughts or phrases that our brain has been back to over and over throughout our lives.  Sometimes it could even be unconsciously.  Thinking through these ruts is not something you will most likely be able to do in the moment of conflict, but something you will need to come back and revisit.

For me in the example of trying to get out the door in the morning, I had to stop and think what was really going on inside of me.  Logically it doesn’t make sense to be anxious about this.  My kids have never actually been late to school.  Even if they were late one time, there are not major consequences to that!  I realized that this we unconsciously hitting one of my pain areas.  The rut of perfectionism.  The belief that in order to be accepted or loved I have to get it all right!

Create New Healthy Ruts

Now comes my favorite part!  I recognized what emotion my body was feeling, and I was able to identify what old unhealthy rut my mind and emotions were running on.  Now I get to create a new healthy rut!  Those old ruts don’t go away unless we fill them up with what we know is true!

Often for me this comes down to reminding myself that I am loved and chosen by God.  And let me urge you that just reciting words or verses is good, but I have not experience much freedom until I engaged my emotions too.  I don’t think there is a one size fits all solution here, but I do believe that God wants our hearts and emotions full of his love not just his words.

A few things that have been helpful for me are to have a meaningful picture or scene to think back on.  One exercise I did with a counselor was that he had me pray and ask God to show me how he loved me.  God gave me such a sweet visual of his love for me that I can intentionally choose to call to memory when I need to be filled with his love. 

Maybe for you it would be to picture God hugging you.  Maybe he would be cheering for you.  I think that picture will probably be unique for each of us, but I challenge you to think and pray through this idea.  If God was right in front of you,  what could he do that would make you feel loved the most?  Believe he does love you in that way and choose to bring that picture back to your mind in those moments of stress.  That is creating a new and healthy rut!

This is a messy process.  I often take two steps forward and one step backwards.  I still definitely mess up and let my feelings spill out in unhealthy ways.  But I also feel this new freedom.  This freedom to know and believe God’s love for me in the deepest parts of me.

Putting It All Together

So what does this really look like?  It’s a Monday morning and I am trying to help everyone get ready.  One of my kids doesn’t want to get dressed.  Another is upset because we are out of their favorite cereal.  Now the baby has a dirty diaper.  I am trying to put out all the fires and I realize my body feels very tight.  Now that I think about it my jaw is clenched too.  I realize this means my body is feeling anxious.  Since I have already spent time processing this situation, I know my body is responding the way it has been trained to when I think I could make a mistake. 

As soon as I can, I am going to take a moment to sit down.  I put one hand on my stomach and one hand on my heart and take some deep breaths in.  Next, I am going to have a quick conversation with God and choose to let myself picture and feel his love for me.  When I feel my body relaxing and I am filled with his love, I am ready to continue in the morning routine. 

It is amazing how much more God’s love can accomplish and change in me than my own effort ever did.  Again, these are just ideas that are helping me.  I am not a counselor, but I highly recommend seeing one!  What other ideas have you found helpful for keeping yourself calm in the middle of the motherhood chaos?

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